Hi, I’m Jes, and I’m a recovering overachiever who gave up my power. I’m on a journey to restore my badassery without the hustle that almost killed me.
The irony of denial is that you don’t know you live in a space that isn’t reality. When someone tries to wake you, we deny the existence of truth rather than asking questions. This pattern is often seen in addiction, but I think codependency is just as deadly.
During my seven years of darkness, I lost my belief in myself; I gave away my power. I thought it was for a good cause… my family. I didn’t realize that in giving away my power, I denied the very essence of who I am, causing my family much hardship due to my inaction.
In sales, it’s regularly stated that not making a decision is deciding to do nothing or stay the same; this is also true in life. We want things to change but don’t want to change to see the result. Everything takes effort, even doing nothing. In most cases, doing nothing increases the labor and effort needed to correct the problems.
I used to drive an old truck, and when the power steering went out, it was awful to drive. Making a simple right turn turned into an act of endurance! I was young, and I chose to NOT fix the problem but instead bought a case of fluid to refill as needed, almost daily. It was a ridiculous solution to a simple problem, fixing the leak.
If only relationships were this simple to figure out. Over my seven years of darkness, I went deep into myself, trying to figure out where I went wrong and what was holding me back. It never occurred to me that it could be my marriage until about two years ago; I was in denial. I couldn’t see it, and my heart was so isolated no one knew to warn me. Isolation and denial are deadly cocktails.
I knew I was creating my reality, but I couldn’t figure out what I was doing that was causing my suffering. In a moment of hopelessness, I formed a boundary that would change the course of my life. I refused to do anything that didn’t bring me joy or make me money and went to bed. If I was going to be broke and hungry, I sure as hell wouldn’t be tired. I could do nothing and stay broke and hungry!
Over the next couple of years, my boundaries got pressed to the max, yet my denial was deep. I needed him. My dad died when I was 10-years old; I wanted them to have a relationship with their dad. Do you see it? I wanted them to have a relationship with their dad. He wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain, and the kids were drifting away; it was me holding the entire thing together like a clown in a three-ring circus. Jumping from one ring to the next resolving conflict, and making sure everyone felt loved and heard.
I made a commitment to the kids on December 24, 2018; I said, “I’m going to bed. Please, join me on this journey. Our lives are going to change, and I will lead us there. I don’t know how but it’s going to get better.” Change it did, but not always for the better. Things didn’t get paid as I released control of the bills and finances. I allowed fear to take control of my household; chaos was all around, and I rested and read. I knew I was on the right track because I could feel my power being restored, but I still couldn’t put my finger on the leak.
I would try to rise, and something always came up. In the fall of 2018, I started to launch a “Confidently Sexy” program. It was brilliant, but there was almost always an accident that shifted my focus. Something would flood, a car would break down, or a problem would arise, and I had to solve it. I couldn’t maintain everything; I am human. When the haters started talking shit in our very conservative community, it meant we lost sales in our furniture business; it wasn’t actually true, but I was told that, so I believed and shut the whole thing down.
Over the next two years, I would build five other epic online systems for teaching and selling (sales funnels and programs) and publish a book, only to watch them die in the bucket of “not good enough” and fear. I had experienced the power of online automated sales in 2010, but the system broke with all the moving parts and plugins. (I’m SO glad technology has improved!) I knew that I would hit my financial goals of earning without killing myself with endless hustle, and I refused to be unhappy in the process. What good is money if you aren’t enjoying the freedom, relationships, and impact it provides?
Discontentment was hitting me from every side, and work was my safe place. I would write and build, then write some more. I filled a dozen journals with thoughts and ideas, teaching a person like myself who wants to impact the world without sacrificing themselves and live our best lives in community. I desire a town, a place for dignity and innovation. The goal seemed lofty, but it is what I deeply desire. If other people created endless cash flow online, why couldn’t I?
I desire a fantastic bathroom and a closet with clothes I love, but I want to see people come alive and thrive in their purpose and creative endeavors. Why can’t I be a part of facilitating the process? Why can’t I create the stages and pass the mic? The fear melted away as my brain expanded to the size of my heart. I had a new vision for life, but how would I get there?
The words of my mother echoed in my brain, simplify everything. When I did, I finally saw my denial. My love was holding me back. I needed to make a choice. Do I accept my marriage, the trials it brings, and settle into a mediocre lifestyle? I could do that; lots of people do. I could justify the pain of not fulfilling my desires in the name of raising my kids, or I could lead by example and show them the way to resolving conflict and living their unique destiny.
Suddenly the choice became clear. Twenty-one years ago, I had committed myself to break every generational cycle that I could throughout my life. I refuse to be silent about pain and suffering. I refuse to stand on the sidelines while preventable trauma still exists. I refuse to have that pain in my household.
I would break my heart for the love of myself. Surgery is easier than an accidental injury. Rather than waiting until something snapped inside my weary heart, I cut out the pain. Removing someone from my inner circle, which caused me to fear my own power, is the greatest gift I can give to my family.
I have been asking for a new wedding ring for the last ten years. My original wedding ring didn’t fit and was purchased at Walmart… We had talked about it countless times. We had a budget, and I had selected multiple that I loved; instead, I received a $40 wire wrap ring. My heart was broken, but I justified the pain because nobody is perfect. I wanted romance and to feel loved, but my desires fell on deaf ears. When I decided to ask him to move out, I also decided that I no longer wanted a wedding ring. With the expectation removed, the pain was gone. I took the final element of my power. I was me, forever free.
The obstacles that seemed huge before are easily overcomeable today. With simplicity comes clarity. With clarity comes focus. With focus comes consistency. Together there is peace, the ultimate success. This is my desire for myself and my friends.
Breaking Codependency: A Step-by-Step Guide
Codependency is a toxic pattern that can be just as deadly as addiction. It can make you feel like you’re living in a space that isn’t reality and deny the very essence of who you are, causing you and your loved ones much hardship due to your inaction. If you’re ready to break free from codependency, here is a step-by-step guide to help you get started:
- Recognize and Acknowledge: The first step is to recognize and acknowledge that you are in a codependent relationship.
- Set Boundaries: The next step is to set boundaries with the person you’re codependent on. Start small, and be consistent in maintaining those boundaries.
- Take Responsibility: Take responsibility for your feelings and emotions. Stop blaming others for your unhappiness, and start taking control of your life.
- Practice Self-Care: Codependency can make you neglect your own needs and wants. It’s essential to prioritize self-care and self-love to break the pattern of codependency.
- Seek Support: Seek out the support of friends, family, or the community within the Soul Crew. We are here for you!
- Breaking codependency takes time and effort, but it’s worth it. You’ll be able to build healthier relationships and regain control of your life.
5 Steps to Knowing Yourself as an Entrepreneur
- Know your values: Understanding your core values is crucial to know yourself as an entrepreneur. Knowing what’s important to you will help guide your decisions and actions.
- Define your vision: Having a clear vision of where you want to go and what you want to achieve will give you a sense of purpose and direction.
- Identify your strengths and weaknesses: Knowing your strengths and weaknesses will help you focus on what you’re good at and find ways to improve where you need to.
- Embrace failure: Failure is an inevitable part of entrepreneurship. Embrace, learn from, and use it to fuel your growth and success.
Stay true to yourself: Don’t compromise your values, vision, or integrity to please others or meet external expectations. Stay true to yourself, and success will follow.
You have to be your own damn hero, but you don’t have to do it alone!